Spiritual and Energetic Challenges

The Eighth, and Final, Part of my extensive look into Why Women Lose their Sexual Desire, by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.hopefulsolutions.net. To jump to the beginning of this series of articles, click here.

Here is the 5th area of my Holistic Approach to web-based sex therapy. This is the one that very few professionals are talking about.

• Sometimes you simply don’t have enough energy to be intimately erotic.

Why? Your energy system is not working well. Your energy is blocked. Your Chakras are unbalanced. You are in reverse. You have spent too much energy. You are on empty, and sex sounds like it would drain more out of you.

• The “Spirit” might well be the ubiquitous presence of energy.

If so, you might be living a life that sucks, rather than replenishes, energy. I regularly recommend to my drained clients that they go to a bed-and-breakfast, or one of the nearby Spiritual Retreat Centers, so that they can replenish their energy. I also recommend bodywork such as Reiki.

• Spiritual may be religious, but religious may be anti-spiritual.

This is a big subject that is addressed elsewhere. Religion is about conformity, and Spirit is about growth.

Beware those who take a reductionistic approach, rather than a holistic Integrated Approach when treating low, or no desire for sex.

In conclusion, I hope you can see that an Integrated Approach, such as I have presented it here in my Web-based Sex Therapy, holds greater promise than something that is much more limited.

Again, check out the resources at www.HopefulSolutions.net and avail yourself of whatever works. More material is being developed and added all the time.

Cultural Challenges

Part Seven of my extensive look into Why Women Lose their Sexual Desire, by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.hopefulsolutions.net. To jump to the beginning of this series of articles, click here.

Let me say something about cultural issues. In the neighborhood in which I grew up there were a lot of Italian families. Fights among couples were frequent, loud, and public. Mouths roared and hands gestured. But when it came time to kiss and make up, you could hear those same couples copulating with passion, widows wide open, on hot summer nights.

In college, I moved 1000 miles away to Holland, Michigan, a community almost entirely occupied by conservative Dutch people. The standard joke was, “You wouldn’t catch those Dutch people hugging each other, because someone would think they were dancing!” Yes, they were that conservative.

Culture plays a role in how hot and steamy you are, and what is “normal.”

• Job stress

This seems to be the single BIGGEST sucker of sexual energy in our culture today. We are so busy working, we haven’t the time to love each other erotically.

• Peer pressure

This is a subject that we usually associate with adolescence. But, my observation is that it is an issue that goes on well into adulthood. In fact, being an Adult is about conforming to convention. The Outlaw is the one who moves beyond being an Adult. Sexless relationships are often ones where one, or both partners are worried about what others will think. There is no sex drive because of the fear that a powerful sex drive will put off the neighbors. There is no, or little, sex in the marriage because a really sexy marriage will scare and threaten other couples. That is another subject all in itself.

• Media images of sexuality

Contemporary media can negatively influence sexual desire for some people, and help others. Think “Sex in the City.” Lots of folks can be stimulated by a romantic chick-flick. I’ve even read some recent research that seems to indicate that women become more romantically inclined after viewing a good chick-flick (which must be why they keep making them!) But, some media images threaten some women. Who can look as good, or be as attractive, as one of those movie stars? Very few women. I recall being at a mechanical contractor’s office not long ago, and going into the men’s bathroom to relieve myself. There, on the toilet tank, was a copy of Glamour Magazine. I said out loud to the guy in the next stall, “How come I don’t know anyone who looks like any of these people?” It can be threatening.

• Morality

What is “right and wrong” can play a role in a relationship with a sex problem. If it is wrong to look at another with lust in your eye, and you do… what next? Do you try to force yourself to stop? You might get stuck trying not to think about him and before you know it you are frightened by your own behavior and the whole thing can spin out of control. How about oral sex? Or anal sex? It is about guilt and shame.

To read the next part of this series, please click here.

Personal, Emotional, and Cognitive Challenges

Part Six of my extensive look into Why Women Lose their Sexual Desire, by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.hopefulsolutions.net. To jump to the beginning of this series of articles, click here.

• The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

Well, if you want to read some enlightening, and scary stuff, read the DSM! I don’t use it very often because it is entirely focused on pathology. The DSM is the bible used by insurance companies and mental health workers in general to have a common language about disorders. It is necessary for research purposes, sometimes for clinical purposes, but not as much as the field has maintained.

The point is, there are scores and scores of personal and emotional problems listed and described in the DSM, and if you are suffering from a “mental disorder” it very well might be that you don’t much feel like screwing around.

• There are plenty of ordinary emotional and cognitive challenges

Most of us struggle now and then with the ordinary challenges of life. If you are on a long road trip (my wife and I married in 1970) there are bound to be some tough moments. Even tough years! I became an Outlaw long before my wife, who stayed an Adult, and a good one at that. For a period of time we were struggling. When she caught up, we were wonderfully happy again, but in a brand new way. How long is the list of “ordinary emotional and cognitive challenges”? Really long. Hence, I am back to recommending Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage.

To read the next part of this series, please click here.

Relational Challenges

Part Five of my extensive look into Why Women Lose their Sexual Desire, by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.hopefulsolutions.net. To jump to the beginning of this series of articles, click here.

There are so many Relational Challenges!

Much of my eBook, Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage, has been written just to address them. There is lousy communication, poor problem solving, conflict… the list is long enough that I have written a great number of articles with charts, stories, and more.

Life is a journey and the two of you are on a road trip together. Along the way, you encounter all the challenges people face when they are traveling together. Getting started can be easy; sticking with it can be hard. There are mechanical breakdowns, arguments, and there are always those times where you get lost. All of it is a metaphor for your sexual relationship.

Sex therapy is great, but there are often some problems associated with getting sex therapy. My eBook has been written for those who want the knowledge and coaching, without actually having to go.

I’m going to identify some common issues. This list is far, far from being inclusive.

• Partner performance problems

After all, not every man is as competent as every other man. There is a bit of skill involved. A guy doesn’t learn how to be a romantic and erotic sexual partner in the locker room. Trust me on this one.

• Lack of emotional satisfaction with the relationship

Generally speaking, a guy has less of an issue with emotional satisfaction and so it is harder for guys to understand just how important it is to women (again, in general) to have an emotionally satisfying relationship. As I have said in my eBook, Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage, most women want to make love, not just screw.

• The birth of a child is a huge issue, as is pregnancy before that.

Why is it okay for a guy to say, “I can’t get into it tonight. I’m preoccupied with the big deal tomorrow at work” and it isn’t okay for a woman to say, “Not tonight, honey. I’m so tired and I have to take the kids to the doctor tomorrow.” Hormone changes, and the redirection of attention are two big issues during pregnancy, and after, for some women. “Some” women. There are others that are just as sexy and horny throughout.

• Becoming a caregiver for a loved one can decrease sexual desire.

And, for the same reason as becoming a caregiver for children. It takes a lot of emotional energy to be a caregiver. Or, how about a variation on this theme: get stuck in the “sandwich generation” where you are taking care of elderly parents, and children at home!

Relationship issues can be very difficult to address without a coach. Find a good Marriage and Family Therapist. You can go to www.therapistlocator.net, a website maintained by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, of which I have been a Clinical Member since 1980. Get yourself into some good counseling. Most insurance companies will pay for therapy one way or another, or, as is the case with me, the out of pocket costs are rather manageable. I tell people who want to know about the costs that “six months of therapy with me
will cost less than you would pay an orthodontist.”

To read the next part of this series, please click here.

Biological Challenges

Part Four of my extensive look into Why Women Lose their Sexual Desire, by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.hopefulsolutions.net. To jump to the beginning of this series of articles, click here.

• Aging

A woman’s interest in sex, as I have had it reported to me, does tend to decline over time. But, there are some women for whom the change is slight. And, of course, it all depends on how much interest a woman had in sex to begin with! Some women are more hyper about sex, while others are more hypo. You could say the same about women and exercise, eating, working out of the home, spending money, or a whole host of issues. Women are not all the same. Startling news, isn’t it? Yet the biological fact remains: blood levels of androgens fall continuously in women as they age.

• Low testosterone

Testosterone affects sexual drive in both men and women. Testosterone levels peak in women's mid-20s and then steadily decline until menopause, when they drop dramatically. Without testosterone, you have no sex drive. That is biology.

Although no hormone or drug has been approved by the FDA to treat sexual problems in women, many gynecologists recommend off-label uses of testosterone therapy for women with low sexual desire to restore testosterone to normal (pre-menopausal) levels. There are other articles in the MEMBERS ONLY SECTION of my website that provide current information about the new medications that are being developed for women’s sexual desire.

• Medical problems

Mental illnesses such as depression, or medical conditions, such as endometriosis, fibroids, and thyroid disorders, impact a woman's sexual drive both mentally and physically. Face the facts on this: You can’t have a flat tire without having it affect the way your car handles. And, if you are, for example, depressed, you don’t feel much like doing your partner.

Some medical problems do require surgery, but know that any surgery performed anywhere around a woman’s plumbing can adversely affect sexual desire. As I have done my research, this has been one of the amazing discoveries. When surgery is done, nerves and muscles are severed, blood arteries and vessels can be damaged, and all of that can eventually result in a lack of sexual desire. Surgical help may not be sex help.

• Medications

Antihistamines can lower one’s sex drive. Yes, those very common over the counter medications. Certain antidepressants (including the new generation of SSRIs such as Prozac, and all its siblings and cousins), blood pressure lowering drugs, and oral contraceptives can lower sexual desire. You absolutely must, MUST, go online and check the side effects of the medications you are taking. A lack of sexual desire due to depression can be enormously complicated by the antidepressants you take. You want help for your sex life when you are on antidepressants? Oh, boy. There is a problem. Check the side effects!

Medications can be changed. There are non-medication remedies for a lot of ordinary illnesses and if you are willing to take the time to do some research, you might well find yourself to be among the fortunate. For example, I know a number of women who have used progesterone cream to manage menopause, and not estrogen replacement therapy. The cream can be purchased at a health food store.

Research has indicated that hope, or the placebo effect, accounts for a significant amount of change when it comes to medications. What you expect, is what you get. In psychotherapy, hope accounts for about 15% of the progress that is made. Medications have to be tested against a plain old sugar pill to see how much actual impact the medications have.

It also helps explain why many supplements claim to be effective in treating sexual problems, such as low sexual desire. “Because expectations play such a large role in sexual desire, over-the-counter products may claim that they're effective, but it's likely just a placebo effect.” That’s the kind of dumb comment you can get from a medical doctor, implying that if you get positive results from the placebo effect there is something wrong.

To read the next part of this series, please click here.