Part Nine of an extensive look into Why Men Lose their Sexual Desire, by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.hopefulsolutions.net. To jump to the beginning of this series of articles, click here.
So, let me say something about cultural issues. In the neighborhood in which I grew up, there were a lot of Italian families. Fights among couples were frequent, loud, and public. Mouths roared and hands gestured. But when it came time to kiss and make up, you could hear those same couples copulating with passion, widows wide open, on hot summer nights.
In college, I moved 1000 miles away to Holland, Michigan, a community almost entirely occupied by conservative Dutch people. The standard joke was, “You wouldn’t catch those Dutch people hugging each other, because someone would think they were dancing!” Yes, they were that conservative.
Culture plays a role in how hot and steamy you are, and what is “normal.”
Job stress
This seems to be the single BIGGEST sucker of sexual energy in our culture today. We are so busy working, we haven’t the time to love each other erotically. This is the second time I’m mentioning this, because it is that BIG.
Peer pressure
This is a subject that we usually associate with adolescence. But, my observation is that it is an issue that goes on well into adulthood. In fact, being an Adult is about conforming to convention. The Outlaw is the one who moves beyond being an Adult. Sexless relationships are often ones where one, or both partners are worried about what others will think. There is no sex drive because of the fear that a powerful sex drive will put off the neighbors. There is no, or little, sex in the marriage because a really sexy marriage will scare and threaten other couples. That is another subject all in itself. You might want to check out my informational article “Is Your Marriage Suffering from the ‘Curse of Good’” which can be found in the MEMBERS ONLY SECTION of our website.
Media images of sexuality
Contemporary media can negatively influence sexual desire for some people, and help others. Think “Sex in the City.” Lots of folks can be stimulated by a romantic chick-flick. I’ve even read some recent research that seems to indicate that women become more romantically inclined after viewing a good chick-flick - which must be why they keep making them!
However, some media images threaten some women. Who can look as good, or be as attractive, as one of those movie stars? Very few women. I recall being at a mechanical contractor’s office not long ago, and going into the men’s bathroom to relieve myself. There, on the toilet tank, was a copy of Glamour Magazine. I said out loud to the guy in the next stall, “How come I don’t know anyone who looks like any of these people?” It can be certainly be threatening.
But, of course, as I look about, I find that there are plenty of attractive men, and women. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just keep in mind that what the media portrays as being “oh, so normal” is not normal. After all, if it were normal, who would look at it?
Morality
What is “right and wrong” can play a role in a relationship with a sex problem. If it is wrong to look at another with lust in your eye, and you do… what next? Do you try to force yourself to stop? You might get stuck trying not to think about her and before you know it you are frightened by your own behavior and the whole thing can spin out of control. How about oral sex? Or anal sex? It is about guilt and shame. There is more on that in another place in the MEMBERS ONLY SECTION of our website.
To learn more about my big eBook, please click here. The Current Edition of Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage is updated regularly, and currently contains 149 articles in 313 pages. Further updates are emailed as they are written.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Personal Emotional and Cognitive Challenges
Part Eight of an extensive look into Why Men Lose their Sexual Desire, by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.hopefulsolutions.net. To jump to the beginning of this series of articles, click here.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
Well, if you want to read some enlightening, and scary stuff, read the DSM! I don’t use it very often because it is entirely focused on pathology. The DSM is the bible used by insurance companies and mental health workers in general so that they can have a common language about disorders. It is necessary for research purposes, sometimes for clinical purposes, but not as much as the field has maintained.
The point is, there are scores and scores of personal and emotional problems listed and described in the DSM, and if you are suffering from a “mental disorder” it very well might be that you don’t much feel like screwing around.
There are plenty of ordinary emotional and cognitive challenges.
Most of us struggle now and then with the ordinary challenges of life. If you are on a long road trip (my wife and I married in 1970) there are bound to be some tough moments. Even tough years! I became an Outlaw long before my wife, who stayed an Adult, and a good one at that. For a period of time we were struggling. When she caught up, we were wonderfully happy again, but in a brand new way. How long is the list of “ordinary emotional and cognitive challenges”? Really long. Hence, I am back to recommending Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage, as well as the growing list of resources you can find in the MEMBERS ONLY SECTION of our website.
To learn more about my big eBook, please click here. The Current Edition of Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage is updated regularly, and currently contains 149 articles in 313 pages. Further updates are emailed as they are written.
To read the next part of this series, please click here.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
Well, if you want to read some enlightening, and scary stuff, read the DSM! I don’t use it very often because it is entirely focused on pathology. The DSM is the bible used by insurance companies and mental health workers in general so that they can have a common language about disorders. It is necessary for research purposes, sometimes for clinical purposes, but not as much as the field has maintained.
The point is, there are scores and scores of personal and emotional problems listed and described in the DSM, and if you are suffering from a “mental disorder” it very well might be that you don’t much feel like screwing around.
There are plenty of ordinary emotional and cognitive challenges.
Most of us struggle now and then with the ordinary challenges of life. If you are on a long road trip (my wife and I married in 1970) there are bound to be some tough moments. Even tough years! I became an Outlaw long before my wife, who stayed an Adult, and a good one at that. For a period of time we were struggling. When she caught up, we were wonderfully happy again, but in a brand new way. How long is the list of “ordinary emotional and cognitive challenges”? Really long. Hence, I am back to recommending Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage, as well as the growing list of resources you can find in the MEMBERS ONLY SECTION of our website.
To learn more about my big eBook, please click here. The Current Edition of Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage is updated regularly, and currently contains 149 articles in 313 pages. Further updates are emailed as they are written.
To read the next part of this series, please click here.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Relational Challenges
Part Seven of an extensive look into Why Men Lose their Sexual Desire, by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.hopefulsolutions.net. To jump to the beginning of this series of articles, click here.
There are so many Relational Challenges.
I’m going to identify some of the more common issues below, but be aware that this list is far, far from being inclusive. Much of my big eBook, Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage, has been written just to address many of the Relational Challenges. There is lousy communication, poor problem solving, conflict… the list is long enough that I have written 173 pages with charts, stories, and a wonderful metaphor to tie it all together.
Life is a journey and the two of you are on a road trip together. Along the way, you encounter all the challenges people face when they are traveling together. Getting started can be easy; sticking with it can be hard. There are mechanical breakdowns, arguments, and there are always those times where you get lost. All of it is a metaphor for your sexual relationship.
Sex therapy is great, but there are often some problems associated with getting sex therapy. My eBook has been written for those who want the knowledge and coaching, without actually having to go. Put Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage together with our other solutions, and this blog, and you have a ton of helpful and Hopeful Solutions.
Partner performance problems
After all, not every man is as competent as every other man. Neither is every woman. There is a bit of skill involved. A guy doesn’t learn how to be a romantic and erotic sexual partner in the locker room. Trust me on this one.
Lack of emotional satisfaction with the relationship
Generally speaking, a guy has less of an issue with emotional satisfaction and so it is harder for guys to understand just how important it is to women (again, in general) to have an emotionally satisfying relationship. As I have also said in my eBook, most women want to make love, not just screw. If you want to have a great sexual relationship, love your partner, and create such deep satisfaction that your partner loves you.
The birth of a child is a huge issue, as is pregnancy before that.
Why is it okay for a guy to say, “I can’t get into it tonight. I’m preoccupied with the big deal tomorrow at work” and it isn’t okay for a woman to say, “Not tonight, honey. I’m so tired and I have to take the kids to the doctor tomorrow.” Hormone changes, and the redirection of attention are two big issues during pregnancy, and after, for some women. “Some” women. There are others that are just as sexy and horny throughout.
Busy-ness
In 2003, when the “sexless marriage” issue identified the lack of sexual desire as a huge issue in homes across America, we saw how clearly all the busy-ness was hurting us. According to the research, 17% of the population lives in a sexless marriage, defined as having sex 10 times a year or less. That must be about 5 million people who could benefit from sex therapy, or some kind of sex help. Yes, when there is no sex drive, there is frequently a troubled marriage.
Relationship issues can be very difficult to address without a coach. Find a good Marriage and Family Therapist. You can go to www.therapistlocator.net, a website maintained by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, of which I have been a Clinical Member since 1980. Get yourself into some good counseling. Most insurance companies will pay for therapy one way or another, or, as is the case with me, the out of pocket costs are relatively manageable. I will often tell people who ask about the costs, that “six months of therapy with me will cost less than you would pay an orthodontist.”
To learn more about my big eBook, please click here. The Current Edition of Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage is updated regularly, and currently contains 149 articles in 313 pages. Further updates are emailed as they are written.
To read the next part of this series, please click here.
There are so many Relational Challenges.
I’m going to identify some of the more common issues below, but be aware that this list is far, far from being inclusive. Much of my big eBook, Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage, has been written just to address many of the Relational Challenges. There is lousy communication, poor problem solving, conflict… the list is long enough that I have written 173 pages with charts, stories, and a wonderful metaphor to tie it all together.
Life is a journey and the two of you are on a road trip together. Along the way, you encounter all the challenges people face when they are traveling together. Getting started can be easy; sticking with it can be hard. There are mechanical breakdowns, arguments, and there are always those times where you get lost. All of it is a metaphor for your sexual relationship.
Sex therapy is great, but there are often some problems associated with getting sex therapy. My eBook has been written for those who want the knowledge and coaching, without actually having to go. Put Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage together with our other solutions, and this blog, and you have a ton of helpful and Hopeful Solutions.
Partner performance problems
After all, not every man is as competent as every other man. Neither is every woman. There is a bit of skill involved. A guy doesn’t learn how to be a romantic and erotic sexual partner in the locker room. Trust me on this one.
Lack of emotional satisfaction with the relationship
Generally speaking, a guy has less of an issue with emotional satisfaction and so it is harder for guys to understand just how important it is to women (again, in general) to have an emotionally satisfying relationship. As I have also said in my eBook, most women want to make love, not just screw. If you want to have a great sexual relationship, love your partner, and create such deep satisfaction that your partner loves you.
The birth of a child is a huge issue, as is pregnancy before that.
Why is it okay for a guy to say, “I can’t get into it tonight. I’m preoccupied with the big deal tomorrow at work” and it isn’t okay for a woman to say, “Not tonight, honey. I’m so tired and I have to take the kids to the doctor tomorrow.” Hormone changes, and the redirection of attention are two big issues during pregnancy, and after, for some women. “Some” women. There are others that are just as sexy and horny throughout.
Busy-ness
“Hi! How ya been? Busy?”That is how we frequently greet each other in our busy world. Guys who aren’t busy are slackers, right? The really busy guys are the really successful and powerful ones.
In 2003, when the “sexless marriage” issue identified the lack of sexual desire as a huge issue in homes across America, we saw how clearly all the busy-ness was hurting us. According to the research, 17% of the population lives in a sexless marriage, defined as having sex 10 times a year or less. That must be about 5 million people who could benefit from sex therapy, or some kind of sex help. Yes, when there is no sex drive, there is frequently a troubled marriage.
Relationship issues can be very difficult to address without a coach. Find a good Marriage and Family Therapist. You can go to www.therapistlocator.net, a website maintained by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, of which I have been a Clinical Member since 1980. Get yourself into some good counseling. Most insurance companies will pay for therapy one way or another, or, as is the case with me, the out of pocket costs are relatively manageable. I will often tell people who ask about the costs, that “six months of therapy with me will cost less than you would pay an orthodontist.”
To learn more about my big eBook, please click here. The Current Edition of Great Marriage! Great Sex! Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage is updated regularly, and currently contains 149 articles in 313 pages. Further updates are emailed as they are written.
To read the next part of this series, please click here.
Friday, June 05, 2009
Biological Challenges
Part Six of an extensive look into Why Men Lose their Sexual Desire, by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.hopefulsolutions.net. To jump to the beginning of this series of articles, click here.
A wide variety of Biological Challenges can contribute to why men lose their sexual desire. I'll discuss some of the most common ones here.
Aging
When I was in my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s, I was an avid runner. When I was 49 years old I sustained a mild Achilles' tendon injury and sort of gave up on running. Can I still run? Sure. But not like I once did.
I have a friend who is an avid soccer player. He has played weekly his whole life, and still does even now that he is into his 70s. Is he as fast as he once was? Of course not.
I think of aging and how it impacts our sex life in much the same way.
But then, there is this old carpenter I know who is still working into his 70’s. He does not appear to be moving as fast as all the younger men he works with, but he gets just as much done. He only swings a few times to drive in the nail, and he plans his work for maximum efficiency.
I think of aging and how it impacts our sex life in much the same way. Sometimes we get better with age.
David Schnarch, the famous sex therapist, says that a really proficient 60-year old man is much better at making love, than a horny 18-year old. I believe him.
Low Testosterone
Testosterone affects sexual drive in both men and women. Without testosterone, you have no sex drive. That is biology. Part of the aging process involves the loss of testosterone.
Medical problems
Mental illnesses such as depression, or medical conditions of almost any type, can impact a man’s sexual drive both mentally and physically. Face the facts on this. You can’t have a flat tire without it affecting the way your car handles. If you are for example, depressed, you don’t feel much like doing your partner. You can have something as simple, and irritating, as jock itch, and not feel like having your balls fondled.
Some medical problems do require surgery, but know that any surgery performed anywhere around a man’s plumbing can adversely affect sexual desire. As I have done my research, this has been one of the many amazing discoveries. When surgery is done, nerves and muscles are severed, blood arteries and vessels can be damaged, and all of that can eventually result in a lack of sexual desire. Surgical help may not be sex help.
Medications
Antihistamines can lower one’s sex drive. Yes, those very common over the counter medications. Certain antidepressants (including the new generation of SSRIs such as Prozac and all its siblings and cousins), and blood pressure lowering drugs can lower sexual desire. You absolutely must, MUST, go online and check the side effects of the medications you are taking. I want to be perfectly clear about this: speak with your pharmacist when taking any drug! If the confidentiality issue is real, then do an online search. A lack of sexual desire due to depression can be enormously complicated by the antidepressants you take. You want help for your sex life when you are on antidepressants? Oh boy. There can be so many problems. Check the side effects!
Medications can be changed. There are non-medication remedies for a lot of ordinary illnesses and if you are willing to take the time to do some research, you might well find yourself to be among the fortunate.
Research has indicated that hope, or the placebo effect, accounts for a significant amount of change when it comes to medications. What you expect is what you get. In psychotherapy, hope accounts for about 15% of the progress that is made.
So medications have to be tested against a plain old sugar pill to see how much actual impact the medications have.
It also helps explain why many supplements claim to be effective in treating sexual problems, such as low sexual desire. “Because expectations play such a large role in sexual desire, over-the-counter products may claim that they're effective, but it's likely just a placebo effect.” That’s the kind of closed-minded comment you can get from a medical doctor, implying that if you get positive results from the placebo effect there is something wrong. Well, if it works… it works. Researchers are appropriately interested in placebo effects. If hope works, bring it on!
Yesterday, I built a small deck outside a new sliding door at our house. Nothing big, maybe 4x8 feet. But my back was sore when I was done. The old “weekend warrior” problem.
Did I want to make love with my wife? Yup. Was I able? Nope.
If you have any of the “dysfunctions” noted above, then you better talk with your Doc. There are many, many legitimate biological problems with a low sex drive. But, biological reasons alone are not as big an issue as the medical community would have you think. A whole lot more can be going on.
To read the next part of this series, please click here.
A wide variety of Biological Challenges can contribute to why men lose their sexual desire. I'll discuss some of the most common ones here.
Aging
When I was in my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s, I was an avid runner. When I was 49 years old I sustained a mild Achilles' tendon injury and sort of gave up on running. Can I still run? Sure. But not like I once did.
I have a friend who is an avid soccer player. He has played weekly his whole life, and still does even now that he is into his 70s. Is he as fast as he once was? Of course not.
I think of aging and how it impacts our sex life in much the same way.
But then, there is this old carpenter I know who is still working into his 70’s. He does not appear to be moving as fast as all the younger men he works with, but he gets just as much done. He only swings a few times to drive in the nail, and he plans his work for maximum efficiency.
I think of aging and how it impacts our sex life in much the same way. Sometimes we get better with age.
David Schnarch, the famous sex therapist, says that a really proficient 60-year old man is much better at making love, than a horny 18-year old. I believe him.
Low Testosterone
Testosterone affects sexual drive in both men and women. Without testosterone, you have no sex drive. That is biology. Part of the aging process involves the loss of testosterone.
Medical problems
Mental illnesses such as depression, or medical conditions of almost any type, can impact a man’s sexual drive both mentally and physically. Face the facts on this. You can’t have a flat tire without it affecting the way your car handles. If you are for example, depressed, you don’t feel much like doing your partner. You can have something as simple, and irritating, as jock itch, and not feel like having your balls fondled.
Some medical problems do require surgery, but know that any surgery performed anywhere around a man’s plumbing can adversely affect sexual desire. As I have done my research, this has been one of the many amazing discoveries. When surgery is done, nerves and muscles are severed, blood arteries and vessels can be damaged, and all of that can eventually result in a lack of sexual desire. Surgical help may not be sex help.
Medications
Antihistamines can lower one’s sex drive. Yes, those very common over the counter medications. Certain antidepressants (including the new generation of SSRIs such as Prozac and all its siblings and cousins), and blood pressure lowering drugs can lower sexual desire. You absolutely must, MUST, go online and check the side effects of the medications you are taking. I want to be perfectly clear about this: speak with your pharmacist when taking any drug! If the confidentiality issue is real, then do an online search. A lack of sexual desire due to depression can be enormously complicated by the antidepressants you take. You want help for your sex life when you are on antidepressants? Oh boy. There can be so many problems. Check the side effects!
Medications can be changed. There are non-medication remedies for a lot of ordinary illnesses and if you are willing to take the time to do some research, you might well find yourself to be among the fortunate.
Research has indicated that hope, or the placebo effect, accounts for a significant amount of change when it comes to medications. What you expect is what you get. In psychotherapy, hope accounts for about 15% of the progress that is made.
So medications have to be tested against a plain old sugar pill to see how much actual impact the medications have.
It also helps explain why many supplements claim to be effective in treating sexual problems, such as low sexual desire. “Because expectations play such a large role in sexual desire, over-the-counter products may claim that they're effective, but it's likely just a placebo effect.” That’s the kind of closed-minded comment you can get from a medical doctor, implying that if you get positive results from the placebo effect there is something wrong. Well, if it works… it works. Researchers are appropriately interested in placebo effects. If hope works, bring it on!
When it comes to Biological Challenges,
there are far too many to list!
there are far too many to list!
Yesterday, I built a small deck outside a new sliding door at our house. Nothing big, maybe 4x8 feet. But my back was sore when I was done. The old “weekend warrior” problem.
Did I want to make love with my wife? Yup. Was I able? Nope.
If you have any of the “dysfunctions” noted above, then you better talk with your Doc. There are many, many legitimate biological problems with a low sex drive. But, biological reasons alone are not as big an issue as the medical community would have you think. A whole lot more can be going on.
To read the next part of this series, please click here.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Traditional Model
Part Five of an extensive look into Why Men Lose their Sexual Desire, by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, from www.hopefulsolutions.net. To jump to the beginning of this series of articles, click here.
According to the traditional model, here is what can go wrong:
However, my Integrated Approach to Web-based Sex Therapy is far more positive and inclusive! In the weeks that follow, we will take a look at the 5 major challenges men face: biological, relational, personal, cultural, and spiritual.
To read the next part of this series, please click here.
According to the traditional model, here is what can go wrong:
- You can have a Primary Sexual Dysfunction – which means that you have never been able to function in one way or another, as one should.
- You can have a Secondary Sexual Dysfunction – which means that you could make it all work once, but something isn’t working now.
- You can have an Erectile Dysfunction – which means you are not able to have and hold an erection that is firm enough for intercourse.
- You can have a Primary Erectile Dysfunction - which means that you have never ever had an erection.
- You can have a Secondary Erectile Dysfunction – which means you have been able in the past, but not now.
- You can have Rapid, or Premature Ejaculation – which means you come before intercourse, or immediately upon intercourse.
- You can have Ejaculatory Incompetence – which means you are not able to ejaculate even when you are turned on and your penis is erect.
- You can have a Primary Ejaculatory Incompetence problem – which means you have never been able to ejaculate.
- You can have a Secondary Ejaculatory Incompetence problem – which means you once could ejaculate, but can’t now.
- You can have Retarded Ejaculation –which means you can come, but it takes a long time to ejaculate.
- You can have Retrograde Ejaculation – which means that the semen fires back up into the bladder.
- You can have what is called Dyspareunia – which means intercourse is physically painful for you.
- You can have Hypoactive Sexual Desire – which means you have lost interest in sex.
- Finally, you can have Sexual Aversion – which means you are afraid of sex and won’t go near it.
However, my Integrated Approach to Web-based Sex Therapy is far more positive and inclusive! In the weeks that follow, we will take a look at the 5 major challenges men face: biological, relational, personal, cultural, and spiritual.
To read the next part of this series, please click here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
