I am just one voice among many. I am one, yet I am certainly not unique. I feel alone, like no one in the world can possibly understand how I feel. I feel trapped by the very person I love the most. I live a life of denial, like many others out there. I am one of the millions of people who live in a sexless marriage.
As I write this I have been married for two and a half years. I love my wife. For the purposes of this blog I will refer to her as Darla. Darla is beautiful, sweet, kind, and extremely smart. I am extremely happy with my marriage. Well, happy except for one aspect. That one aspect makes me not happy in my marriage at all.
Darla hates sex.
Hate might be too strong of a word, but she has a strong repulsion to it. For some reason, it is one act which she finds no desire to participate in, and a strong aversion to. This is a problem as I need sex. I would say I love it, but I do not. I have learned to hate it. Yet my body craves it. I need to feel connected. Sex is how I feel close to my wife. However, it is not something that is a part of my life. The absence of it is a cosmic mass in my life. It is my life. It consumes me. My thoughts, my desires, my wishes and fantasies.
I hope in this blog to talk about my everyday life. How I cope, how I struggle, how I learn to adjust and keep going. I wish to paint out my thoughts. Not the happy ones that I share with others, but the dark ones, the strained ones, the ugly ones. I don't know if anyone will read this. It doesn't matter. It is for me, and all those out there like me. I hope that my story can help others to know that they are not alone, just as I crave to know that I am not.
I am with you.
ReplyDeleteDaniel, I think this will be read by many. You really capture the darkness of sexless marriage and and I was moved and emotional by both the beauty and sadness in your writing. I also live in a marriage without sex. It really is soul destroying and a form of intense emotional and physical deprivation. I have been married for 16 months and have had no physical contact whatsoever with my husband for 14 of those months. Not my choosing at all. In what he thinks is secret, he uses pornography quite addictively and that apparently is the extent of what he desires. Not that it's relevant, but I feel the need to assert that this is in no way reflective of my level of attractiveness as I am actually quite lovely and know that there are many men all about who interpret me in that way. This kind of marriage makes a person question and justify themselves to the extreme. I am very sad for you and for all of us who have to exist in these kind of relationships. I also crave the connectedness that you speak of, that only sex can give. You are right; it is all consuming and becomes the miserable focus of each day. We are missing so much joy.
ReplyDeletesorry to hear man.
ReplyDeletemy wife and kids are in another country for their education while I work in Asia. I hardly see them and when I do, wifey is not very interested in sex either, caught up with kids daily lives.
I want to be faithful but the sex cravings is driving me crazy man.
Hope we have some solutions...meanwhile...ugh!
ii
ReplyDeleteFeel for you mate.
ReplyDeleteThings don,t get any better , i,m 45 year old male and i get fook all .
I,ve done the give her space , the flowers , washing up , child care (two teenagers now ) and have been on short supply for 20 years . I knew it wasn,t great sex when i got marrage but i hoped for the same ammount at least !
I REALLY can,t be arsed anymore and recently have suffered from anxiety and depression and i,m now re thinking my life whats left of it and wonder if i have the balls to move on from this crap . I crave sex , or rather the feeling that someone wants me phsically , just once a month would do . Its crap i hate myself i have no confidence (appart from what the anti depressants give me ) and i feel old and ugly .
Its not all about sex for men , its feeling attractive even if we are getting on a bit and loseing our hair ! I look after myself and keep fit and get the come on,s elsewhere but i want my wife . I give up , i,m gonna cheat out of desparation and then i will hate myself and have to fess up . We went 3 years without sex and when i complaned eventually i got a little bit but you could tell it wasn,t what she wanted it made me feel like a rapest that she was going through the motions just to please me and didn,t want to really . God i hate myself .
Sorry for the poor spelling i,m pissed and thinking of walking right now and leaveing everything behing
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ReplyDeleteI have been with my spouse for a total of 4 years and weve been married a month. Weve had sex once including the wedding night. Before him, I was fairly promiscuous and going from sex every night to begging for it is an emotional change that I don't think I was fully prepared for. I love my husband, don't think that he isn't the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I am miserable. I know he has the desire because of all the times I have found his "secret porn", but he never wants me. It has had a severe impact on my self esteem and I find myself searching for attention from other men. I am terrified that it will eventually lead to me having an affair. He doesn't realize how lonely it makes me feel and that I don't want him to respect me at this point, I just want him to think of me as a sexual object. I have found myself picking up habits I know he finds unattractive so I can psych myself into thinking that is the reason it isn't happening...but I know it wouldn't make a difference one way or the other. I feel like such a fish out of water. I never realized how much I used sex to cope with stress and other issues until it was gone. My desires seem to take control of me sometimes and I have to lock myself in the closet and masturbate for hours just so I won't cry uncontrollably or rip out my hair from frustration. He makes me feel like such a horrible person for wanting it. I feel like i belong in the gutter just because sex makes me feel emotionally connected, desirable, and appreciated. I often wonder if I made a mistake in marrying a man that doesn't like the act of sex. I have tried everything and he just doesn't want to have sex with ME. I wish I were at least ugly so it would make more sense...but everyone except him finds me attractive. I wish this one thing weren't so important to me so I wouldn't feel like a monster.
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ReplyDeleteWow. More than a year has gone by since you wrote this. How are things now?
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog looking for help for my own sexless marriage. I have the exact sentiments about my husband as you do for your wife. But he doesn't ever want me physically. I'm not overweight. Not bad to look at. And we have no other problems really - except for this issue. I don't know what to do. I'm married to my best friend, who doesn't want me in the way husbands usually want their wives. This has been an issue since we got married two years ago. Talking about it doesn't help. He apologizes, but then nothing changes. Ironically, I waited a long time to have sex when I was single. I wanted to wait for the right man. It was difficult to cope then. Now, it's ripping my insides out. What to do? I have no clue
How are things going? I am also in a sexless marriage.
ReplyDeleteI think the problem lies with your partner's past. Did they experience bad/ unsatisfied sex in the past I.e. before u guys had sex? Your partner needs to be happy by you. Share your problems big or small. Have a little cuddle, sweet talk, kisses, coddling etc. before you have sex. Have lots of foreplay, dress wild, ask if they got any fetishes, treat them like a lollipop(jk). You might need a few days before you might actually have sex. So take it slow and smooth. Hope it works. Just be like old friends/partners :) Good Luck.
ReplyDelete